Are You the Person Your Dream Partner Would Want to Date?

You know that feeling when you're scrolling through dating apps at 11 PM with a glass of wine, mentally checking boxes?

Tall. Check. Good job. Check. Loves dogs. Check. Reads books. Bonus points.

We've all been there. I've definitely been there.

But somewhere along the way, dating started feeling less like connection and more like... recruitment. We've become hiring managers for the position of "Life Partner," armed with detailed job descriptions and non-negotiables.

And honestly? I get it. We're told to know what we want. To have standards. To not settle.

But here's where it gets interesting (and maybe a little uncomfortable): What if the person you're looking for is actually looking for someone like... you?

The Garden Metaphor That Changed Everything

There's this quote by Mario Quintana that's been living rent-free in my head:

"Don't waste your time chasing butterflies, mend your garden, and the butterflies will come."

At first, I thought it was just pretty poetry. But then it hit me—this is literally what we're NOT doing in our dating lives.

We're running around with butterfly nets (swiping, going on dates, asking friends to set us up) while our own gardens are... well, let's just say they could use some watering.

The List vs. The Mirror in Dating

Here's a fun exercise that might sting a little: Take out your mental (or actual) list of what you want in a partner.

Maybe it looks something like:

• Emotionally available and does their inner work

• Financially responsible and has goals

• Communicates clearly and resolves conflict well

• Takes care of their physical and mental health

• Has close friendships and family relationships

• Is self-aware and open to growth

Great list, right? Now here's the mirror moment:

How many of these boxes do YOU check?

And I don't mean the version of you that you're planning to become someday. I mean right now, today, the person you are when no one's watching.

Be honest. Are you:

• Emotionally available or still carrying baggage you haven't unpacked?

• Financially responsible or avoiding looking at your credit card statement?

• A great communicator or do you ghost when things get uncomfortable?

• Taking care of yourself or running on coffee and chaos?

• Investing in your relationships or letting friendships drift?

• Open to growth or defensive when someone calls you out?

Not so fun anymore, is it?

Why We're All Chasing Butterflies

I think we avoid building our gardens for a few reasons:

1. It's easier to critique than create Swiping left takes zero effort. Working on yourself? That's hard. That requires looking at the stuff you've been avoiding.

2. We think love will fix us There's this fantasy that the right person will make us better. They'll inspire us to finally go to therapy, start that business, or become the person we've always wanted to be. Spoiler alert: that's not how it works.

3. We're scared of what we'll find When you really start tending to your garden, you discover weeds you didn't know were there. Old patterns. Fears. That voice that says you're not enough. It's messy work.

4. We don't know where to start Self-improvement is a billion-dollar industry for a reason. It's overwhelming. Where do you even begin?

How to Actually Build Your Garden

Okay, real talk. Here's how to stop chasing and start building:

Start With Brutal Honesty

Take that partner wish list and do the audit I mentioned. Rate yourself 1-10 on each quality. No judgment, just data. The gaps you find? That's not failure—that's your roadmap.

Pick Your One Thing

You can't renovate your entire garden in a weekend. Pick ONE quality that would genuinely transform your life if you embodied it. Just one.

Want emotional availability? That's your focus for the next 3-6 months. Everything else can wait.

Make It Real, Not Aspirational

Here's where most people mess up: they set vague intentions like "be more emotionally available" and then... nothing changes.

Get specific:

• If you want emotional availability: Book a therapy session this week

• If you want financial stability: Schedule a meeting with a financial advisor this month

• If you want better communication: Join a workshop or start practicing hard conversations with friends

• If you want to be healthier: Hire a trainer or commit to three workouts this week

Get Someone in Your Corner

Here's what I've learned the hard way: you can't see your own blind spots. That's literally what makes them blind spots.

This is where working with a good coach becomes invaluable. Not someone who's going to give you a pep talk and send you on your way, but someone who will:

• Call you out on your patterns (lovingly but firmly)

• Help you see what you can't see about yourself

• Hold you accountable when you want to slip back into old habits

• Guide you through the uncomfortable transformation work

Think of a coach like a master gardener. Sure, you could figure it out yourself eventually. But why spend years learning through trial and error when someone can show you exactly what your garden needs?

Shift the Question

Stop asking: "What kind of person do I want to meet?"

Start asking: "What kind of person do I want to become?"

This isn't just semantic—it's a complete mindset shift. When you focus on becoming, everything changes.

What Happens When You Build Your Garden

I won't lie and say it's all sunshine and roses (terrible pun intended). Building your garden is hard work. Some days you'll want to give up and go back to butterfly chasing.

But here's what actually happens:

You develop real standards. Not the superficial checklist kind, but the deep knowing of what you actually need and deserve.

You stop settling. When you've done the work on yourself, you can spot someone who hasn't from a mile away. And you're no longer willing to accept it.

You become magnetic. And I don't mean in some woo-woo law of attraction way. I mean that when you're genuinely working on yourself, living with intention, and showing up as the person you want to be—people notice.

The right butterflies show up. And when they do, your garden is actually ready for them. You're not trying to hide the weeds or pretend you're further along than you are. You're just... ready.

The Uncomfortable Truth

You know what the hardest part of all this is?

Realizing that maybe the reason you haven't met the right person isn't bad luck, bad timing, or bad apps.

Maybe it's that you're not yet the person who would attract (and keep) the person you want.

That's a tough pill to swallow. I know because I've swallowed it myself.

But here's the beautiful part: unlike finding "the one" (which is out of your control), becoming the person you want to be? That's entirely up to you.

Your Garden is Waiting

So here's my challenge to you:

Stop spending your evenings crafting the perfect dating profile or analyzing why your last situationship failed.

Instead, spend that time on your garden. Pick one thing. Get help if you need it (you probably do—we all do). And start building.

The butterflies will come.

But more importantly, when they do, you'll be ready for them.

Want me to be your coach? Book a session here.